Cause and Effect

Conversation in the car:

“_______________ dressed up as Sandy from Sponge Bob last night,”

(continues with description of the costume) “She took an empty cheese ball container and painted a flower on it and carried it around.” -Ania

“Why didn’t she put it on her head?” -Rafal

“She would suffocate.”-Ania

“No, she wouldn’t!”- Rafal

“Yes, she would. No one can hold their breath for hours.”-Ania

“I can and so can baby seals.”-Rafal

Not the end of the conversation, but I will spare you the rest. After this conversation, I sat down and composed this pseudo letter.

Dear Mom,

Natural laws do not apply to me. I can control the universe. Whatever I want to do, I can. If it’s not in my power to control, I WILL attempt to bring it under my power. If it is something new or if I feel as if I have lost control, I WILL regain it by controlling others. If I get everybody upset, then I will feel powerful and secure because I can make something happen. When I have wreaked enough havoc, i.e.-everyone is angry- I WILL smile. When my siblings are crying, I WILL laugh. In my sad lonely little world…this is how I survive.

The only problem with my self-made world is that I am pushing everyone away. No one wants to live with me. No one can co-exist with me. I hurt people. I hit. I punch. I scream. I destroy things. I love to destroy things that are important to other people such as a hardwood floor, I’ll chip it away with a pocket knife. I’ll take a sledge hammer to the brick wall on your flower garden. I’ll chop the sewing stuff up. I WILL even destroy things that are important to me- I’ll throw them, take a baseball bat to them, leave them outside in the driveway to get run over by your car.

When you ask me if I did something, don’t worry I WILL deny it. I WILL not look you in the eye. I WILL be angry- MAD at you for suggesting that I did it. I WILL yell at you. I WILL blame someone else or even you.

You won’t tell the outside world what I am doing at home because they will think that you are a bad parent. Those rubber maid containers in the garage that I took a baseball bat to, you will hide and replace them with new. The broken toys will go in the trash. The holes in the wall, you will repair-the gashes in the wall-you will hope nobody notices. And just when you think I am making progress, there will be some change in my life that you cannot control. I WILL react.

I WILL not be able to sleep THEREFORE I WILL not be able to function during the day.
I WILL be on guard all of the time and the cycle will begin again.

It doesn’t matter if the change is good change-like a birthday party, a field trip, a new room, or a vacation.
I just don’t like change. It makes me feel OUT OF CONTROL.

I am hyperactive.
I am hypervigilant.
I am hypersensitive.

I am scared. I feel alone and unloved. You do love me, but if I push you to your limits and you get angry, then you WILL confirm the self-loathing that I feel-I am UNloveable, UNworthy and UNwanted.

If you stand firm and love me unconditionally,
if you are unmoved by my fits of anger,
if you apply logical consequences,
if you pray that God will heal my heart….

then eventually love will permeate my broken heart and knit it back together again.

Please love,
your RAD, FAS child

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