Working through a series FiveThings Adoptive Parents Don’t Tell You-if you missed the last post, you can find it here.
“It’s okay, the boys can stay here. Let them stay.”
I was in a stand off on a back porch with a close friend. Two of my kids (13 and 14 years old) had gone home from church with this family without asking. It wasn’t the first time. And I was standing my ground even though I felt like melting into it.
“No, they need to come home. NOW.” I felt my face and neck flush red and tears brimming at the corner of my eyes.
“But, they’re having a good time. They’re no problem.”
I peeked the house and saw my boys making themselves at home in the family room, eating, leaning forward towards the large TV.
“No. They must come,” I said firmly and marched back to my car.
Two boys walked out of the home minutes later with heads high and stern faces.
“Why did you make us go, Mom?” one spat, “they said we could stay.”
I felt like bad parent. You know, the one who doesn’t let her kids do anything. And that was exactly what was being insinuated. I wouldn’t let them have any freedom. I drove home, all three of us with eyes forward. All three of us angry and hurt.
Which brings me to number four.
4. We adoptive parents have to parent differently than traditional parents. We may seem to the outsider over strict or over protective.
I wasn’t being over protective, I was putting up boundaries, or better repairing a breach. I had worked long, hard (yet happy) hours to take the old culture (read more here) out of my children. It was tough work keeping those boundaries secure. One or two broken sections could cause disaster for the children.
Yes, the boys could have stayed and had a good time. I could have gone home and picked them up later. This was the home they wanted to be at. I could forgive (I did) and forget, but what of the cost? The cost would be the boys setting their own rules, sinking back into survival mode, doing what they wanted, when they wanted, with no regard for rules.
In a traditional family, parents raising children who have not come from hard places set boundaries and give natural consequences. This is good. Adoptive parents must work harder on these boundaries and helping the child to attach to them. It may make them seem over protective or strict. They’re not. They are working on attachment skills.
For example, if a child lacks attachment skills and his parents let him roam the neighborhood because they think he is a good kid, the next thing you know the kid is in trouble or has done something dangerous. I know, all kids get into trouble, but kids whose brain development has been delayed and the cause and effect thinking is not there, lives are at stake. These kids: climb too high in a tree, do something dangerous another kid has dared him to and risk life and limb, start a forest fire (true story) or rob a neighbor..
Please don’t misunderstand me. I am not saying that hurt children are BAD. I am saying they need more guidance. More parental presence than others. I’m not saying to lock them down in the house. I’m saying do things with them. Take them rock climbing and let them fall a few feet with you there. Take them to the bike trail and let them feel the wonderful feeling of riding twenty miles (okay, I only made it twelve). Hike on the trail with them. Pick up wildflowers and identify them. Build stuff. Plant stuff. Paint stuff. Go creek walking and let them feel how the world works so they can work in the world when they are older and know its boundaries.
Please be kind to adoptive parents. Don’t question their methods. Back them up. Don’t take their kids home without making sure you hear an ‘ok’ directly from the parents.