I don’t know about you, but I find it most difficult when praying, to pray for myself. I’m a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a human in an ever chaotic and devastating world. No matter how “bad” I may have it, or what is going on in my life, there’s a million people who have it worse and need my prayers more than I do.
I do, however, notice that the more I neglect praying for myself, the more I find myself in a state of self pity. A “why me” state. A state of despair because I can’t “fix” the issues I am facing. Notice what phrase I just said, “I can’t fix”. Which brings me to this question… what if I weren’t meant to fix my issues.
I ended up in this same circle of thought in 2017 when I first started to try to regulate my autoimmune disease after I bottomed out. I tried for so long to keep myself on the furtherest burner from the front of the stove and I saw myself just keep getting more sick and weak and fragile. With that also came self pity, a deep dark pit of despair. A lonely hole to fall into. I was at the end of my rope, which lead me to my knees and furthermore lead to a complete surrender to God himself. I unselfishly put myself on the top of my prayer list. I started to not only feel fulfilled but healthy, vibrant, and looked after. I was filling my spiritual cup and it had overflowed into my physical cup. The greatest trickle down effect to ever know.
Now, if you read my last blog post, (if not, catch it here: This is what my autoimmune disease looks like to the public
You know that I’m bottoming out again. After thinking about where I was and where I currently am, I had an ah-ha moment. I have, AGAIN, taken my health into my own hands thinking that I, and only I, could fix it. I’ve taken my autoimmune disease off of my prayer list because, in my eyes, it sucks but it’s not a terminal diagnosis. I’ve spent a lot of time lately in self pity mode. In a defeated mode. In the exact same mode the enemy would love to see me stay in. I often say that when he can’t attack my mind, he’ll attack my body.
A couple of weeks ago I said NO MORE. NO MORE self pity. NO MORE control. NO MORE 1/2 full spiritual cup. I hand it all over. ALL OF IT. The most minuscule aspect of it. And I put myself back on my prayer list.
This does not make me selfish. As women we tend to feel that way when we do anything for ourself, even if it’s a doctors appointment.
This does not make me weak. On my own I’m already weak. This is me getting stronger because I’m getting guidance from the one who knows it all.
This frees me.
This fills my spiritual cup.
This victory will be his and not my own.
Since spending time asking him for guidance relating to my health I have had clear cut guidance on where to turn, what doctors to call, what I need to do to rest, and where toxic stress is hiding (in plain site and sometimes by my own doing) in my life and how, humbly, to get rid of it. I’m following HIS lead. This time for the long haul.
Kathleen posted this photo and it explains perfectly what can happen when you choose pity over prayer. He had already carried it. Give it to him again.