2020 Is Going to Be Messy

2020 is going to be messy. I don’t mean that as an ominous prediction. It’s just a fact, because life is messy — despite my best efforts to tame it with preparation, organization, and excellence.

And this year, I’m going to be okay with that. Instead of spending all my mental energy trying to make everything perfect, I’m going to focus on being present. Present for my kids, present for my husband, present for God, and present for myself. Active and intentional in my relationship with God and others.

This year, I’m letting go of the illusion of perfection and control, because that’s exactly what it is: an illusion. “Which of you,” Jesus asked, “by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?” And the answer is, Not me. As much as I like to think that all of my planning, worrying, and toiling are productive, they’re really just distracting me from being fully present with the people I love.

So rather than refusing to rest until things are excellent, I’m going to stop at enough. When I say “good enough,” I’m going to mean it. And I’m going to practice not cringing inwardly or feeling like a failure. Stopping at “good enough” isn’t admitting defeat; it’s setting my priorities straight so that I have time and energy for the people and projects that matter most.

I’m afraid 2020 is going to be sloooooooow. Too slow. Painfully slow. But also too fast. So fast that it feels dangerous and out of control. 

Why? Because that’s how life goes — too fast and too slow, all at the same time.

But it will also be too fast and too slow by design. Because I need to learn how to move forward before I feel ready, and how to hold back when everything in me wants to go and do. My usual patterns aren’t working, so I’m going to try something new. I’m going to try leaning in when I want to check out, and backing off when I want to double down.

It will be a learning process, with a lot of trial and error. But I’m going to show up and give myself permission to win ugly.

2020 is going to be messy. But I’m here for it.

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