Reactionary and Codependent Parenting
Every year, the calendar hit November and we are all supposed to be overflowing with gratefulness. It’s a lot of pressure, especially if you are raising kiddos who have a capital letter syndrome or who have experienced trauma. We Moms can easily get our minds on the track of negativity or wallowing in behaviors. We can get in the vicious cycle of reacting to behaviors and stuck in a cycle of codependency with our kiddos. When they are okay, we are. That’s no way to live. We are supposed to be the leader, the coach, the parent, not the victim of everyday circumstances and behaviors. But, before you think I’ve got it all down pat and I live the parenting journey perfectly, let me say, I write about this because I’ve been stuck in the pit of reactionary parenting many times. If you can learn from my mistakes, then I’m happy to share them.
EVERYTHING TO BE GRATEFUL FOR OR SOMETHING TO BE GRATEFUL FOR
Maybe some days we can be extremely grateful because everything goes as planned for a few minutes. But then it falls apart. We need to leave behind the idea that we will have everything to be grateful for. We must grasp the idea that we have something to be grateful for. As parents of kids with capital letter syndromes or who have experienced trauma, we have to look for pinpricks of light. And when we see these pinpricks of light or small victories such as regulating in a stressful situation (such as wearing a mask when it causes sensory overload). Or maybe you regulated while a child raged.
On the podcast this week, I share three tips to help us thrive through this season (and I don’t mean just the holidays).
1. Create Memories to be Grateful for
I have friends who put up Christmas trees in October. Some are putting them up this week, watching Christmas movies, making cookies, and playing games together. We have the power to create memories. We can decide to celebrate. Next year, what do you want your kids to remember about this year? The stress? Anxiety? Or the way you celebrated just because you made it happen.
One year my family had moved to a new town, we had lost our business, and were starting over with nothing. I just wanted to stay in bed and pull the covers over my head. But I had kids depending on me. The Lord put it on my heart to do something fun with my kiddos and hug them every day. It was definitely hard for me to do. I did it and if you ask my kids about that year now, they say it was hard but we grew closer as a family. We had more family time, game nights, random water fights in the front yard, and roller blading on the driveway.
2.You have not gone this way before
It’s easy to look back to last year and think, wow, we had a lot to grateful for! I was reading the book of Joshua yesterday and the phrase “You have not gone this way before” really stuck out to me. Although other generations have gone through some pretty tough stuff, we haven’t gone this way before. It’s okay if we don’t know how to process it. What we do need, is the presence of the Lord in our lives to lead us. In the Old Testament, people didn’t have access to the presence. They had to follow the Ark of the Covenant at a distance. Today, we can boldly approach the throne for grace in our time of need. We can commit our way to the Lord and He will direct our path.
3.Find Your Calm
One of the most amazing abilities of kiddos is their ability to mirror us. Watch a baby smile at sister smiling at her. Or cry when someone is looking at her sternly. Kids who have experienced trauma already have a lot of anxiety. When we are anxious and fearful, they will absorb our feelings. This is why it is so important to find our calm.
The Bible says:
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control. – 2 Timothy 1:7
I’m a girl who has struggled with fear and anxiety from my early childhood. I get it, it’s easy to stay stuck in fear. It is tempting to hunker down in craven, cringing, and fawning fear. But that’s not helping us or our kiddos. And that’s not what God has given us. He gave us a spirit of “power and of love and of calm and well balanced mind and discipline and self-control.” It takes self-discipline to use this spirit of power. It means feeling the feelings and then processing them and talking to yourself in your upstairs brain. It means asking yourself logical questions. Is this true? Should I be concerned about this? What can I do about it? It also means doing the work of renewing your mind. Find scriptures to memorize. A big one for me this season is Psalm 23. God is my Shepherd. He leads and guides me. He restores my soul.
I also talk a bit about real self-care on the podcast. Hopefully, these three points are food for thought. There is a way to thrive this season and enjoy your live today!
Here are the links to the people I mentioned on the podcast:
Sandra Flack, of the Orphans No More Podcast on Justice for Orphans will be joining me for a podcast series in the first quarter of 2021.
You can find Kristin Hill Taylor here!