Studying Personality Types to Better Your Relationships

In the nine years that I’ve been married, I’ve read a lot — and I do mean A LOT — of books and articles about relationships. And out of everything I’ve read or tried in my marriage, if I could point to one tool that has made the biggest difference, it would be personality tests. That’s why we chose to talk about personality tests on this week’s podcast (episode 90).

I have this intense inner drive to understand people. I know that I, personally, am capable of greater kindness, compassion, and patience when I understand where a person is coming from. When I have context.

This is especially true in my marriage. My husband and I agree on a lot of big, important things. We have our faith and a strong work ethic in common. Our sense of humor and taste in movies, TV shows, and music overlaps considerably. But we are very different people.

Unfortunately, another thing we often have in common is our stubbornness. We both put a lot of thought into what believe, so when we arrive at a conclusion, we’re pretty convinced we’re right. Often we arrive at the same conclusion, but when we don’t… it can be hard to remember that we’re both reasonable people doing the best we can.

That’s where personality tests come in. The better we understand each other, the better we can connect and communicate — even when that means expressing negative feelings, conflicting ideas, or (hopefully constructive) criticism.

The Enneagram

By far the most helpful and comprehensive personality test we’ve taken is the enneagram. This personality test separates people into nine different personality types. It offers information about each type’s motivations, strengths, and weaknesses. It even provides insight into how you behave during seasons of growth and when you’re under stress.

I am a 1 on the enneagram — the Perfectionist. My husband is an 8 — the Challenger. We’ve both read The Road Back to You and The Path Between Us, and they’ve been incredibly helpful in helping us understand ourselves and each other better. Turns out, our experience as a couple is common for 1s and 8s. They have a lot in common, like a passion for truth and justice and the sense of obligation to improve the world. When they agree, they can accomplish big things. But when they disagree (which does happen, because 1s and 8s are also very different in how and why they do things, even if they have a common objective), they disagree very strongly and stubbornly. Which is probably why The Enneagram Institute describes them as “a relatively rare romantic pairing.”

Knowing that helps. Not as a reason to throw in the towel or make excuses for ourselves, but as a reminder that neither of us is trying to be difficult. We aren’t pushing each other’s buttons on purpose. We just have a different perspective and approach. Now that we know that, it’s easier for us to stop fights before they happen, de-escalate during a fight, or make up afterward. We can use conflict as an opportunity to learn and grow as individuals and as a couple, instead of getting bitter or resentful.

Love Languages

Another personality test that helped us a lot, especially early in our marriage, was the five love languages. The basic concept here is that while there are endless ways to show that you love someone, everyone has their favorite. If you aren’t feeling particularly loved in your relationship, the problem might be that you and your partner are speaking different languages. You may each be following the Golden Rule, doing for each other what you would like done for you. But if your partner’s love language is physical touch and yours is acts of service, you might be failing to fill each other’s tanks. Once you know that, you can adjust.

Of course, the adjustment requires a bit of compromise from each of you. Your partner responds to physical touch, so you should try to express your love through touch more often. And when you’re feeling unloved, you can remind yourself that all of those small acts of physical affection are your partner expressing his love for you. Perhaps they don’t resonate with you as strongly as acts of service, but that doesn’t mean your partner isn’t being loving.

Other Personality TestS

Of course, there are plenty of other personality tests out there that can help you learn more about yourself, your spouse, and others in your life. The enneagram has been the most helpful to me, and the five love languages are definitely good to keep in mind. Ruth Soukup has a fear assessment that can help you identify the fears that keep your from chasing your dreams and working towards big goals. Sometime soon, I’d love to take the Clifton Strengths assessment (and have my husband take it as well).

No matter which personality test you take (or don’t), here are some things to keep in mind:

  • Personality tests are just a tool. Some may be more accurate or insightful than others. Some may not resonate with you at all. I think that, like any tool, they are neither good nor bad. What matters is how you use them. If they help, great! If they don’t, forget them. They’re not Scripture, so you can take them or leave them.
  • Your motives matter. Learning more about your personality (or your spouse’s personality) will not help your relationships AT ALL if you try to wield the results like a sword. Don’t use them to make excuses for yourself. Don’t use them to blame or criticize others. Use them to understand others better so that you can extend grace, compassion, and patience. Use them to understand yourself better so that you can grow.
  • Reading the books is worth it. If you find the results of a personality test helpful or intriguing, buy the book. Reading books about the enneagram (like the two I mentioned above) has been super helpful, and Ruth Soukup’s Do It Scared book is definitely worth a read. Books give you more context for your results and help you apply what you’ve learned properly. They also give you some insight into other personality types and help you see the bigger picture.
  • Apply what you learn to other relationships, too. Personality tests can be especially helpful in the context of marriage, but their usefulness doesn’t end there. You can apply what you learn to improve your work relationships and strengthen your friendships. Or you can use them to better understand your kids so that you can guide and love them the way they need you to.

4 Reasons to Be Real – Even When It’s Uncomfortable

We’ve all heard the call to be real — to stop putting on a show and let the “real you” shine through. To be open and honest about the struggles we face, because we’re all human. To really put ourselves out there so that we can form deep, genuine connections with other people.

Of course, the problem we run into is that being real is uncomfortable. It involves risk and vulnerability. When you let others see the real you, you risk rejection. You risk judgment, criticism, mockery, and hurt. So why do it?

The good news is that being real is worth the risk. Here’s why:

Keeping Up Appearances Is Hard Work

Often, we assume it will be simpler and safer to fake perfection than to deal with all of the risks that come with being real. But is that really true?

As scary as it is to let yourself be real and vulnerable with other people, in the long run, it’s actually easier than the alternative. Keeping up the illusion that you are infallible, invulnerable, and self-sufficient is hard work. It is stressful, exhausting, and dangerous (more on that in a moment). We think we’re protecting ourselves, but in reality, we’re perpetuating a myth about our lives and our selves. Brené Brown explains it well:

“Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.”

The problem is, we can’t control what other people think, say, or do. No matter how “perfect” we manage to look, we cannot guarantee we won’t get hurt. We subject ourselves to the monumental strain of keeping up appearances, and in the end, we’re not really any safer than we were before. Don’t we have enough to worry about, without adding to our list the unnecessary and futile attempt to maintain a perfect image?

Dishonesty Can Become a Lifestyle

You’ve probably heard that practice makes perfect, but life isn’t that simple. A more accurate saying is “practice makes permanent.”

Here’s where the danger of perfectionism lies. Even if we manage to fool others into thinking we’re perfect, we do so at great risk to our souls. Eventually, that dishonesty about who we are, what we’ve done, and where we stand can become second nature.

In Soul Keeping: Caring for the Most Important Part of You, John Ortberg explains:

“We fake it in life to bolster our ego. But the result is, we feel like phonies and become more deceptive and cynical with others.”

No act of dishonesty is truly insignificant, because it shapes how we view ourselves — which, in turn, affects the standards we hold ourselves to and the choices we make. You’ll drift further and further into the fakeness until you lose sight of not only yourself but also God.

We need to ask ourselves (in the words of Brené Brown):

“What’s the greater risk? Letting go of what people think – or letting go of how I feel, what I believe, and who I am?”

Your Kids Will Get the Wrong Message

We’ve all heard someone say, “Do as I say, not as I do” — and we all know that’s not how life works. If you won’t follow your own advice, why would other people listen to it? No one respects hypocrisy.

Kids, in particular, can spot hypocrisy from a mile away, and they are far more likely to follow your example than your instructions. As James Baldwin said, “Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” No matter how good you are at faking perfection for other people, you won’t fool your kids. They see what you say AND what you do, and when the two don’t match up, the message your kids hear loud and clear is that being real isn’t worth the risk.

Set a good example for your kids by being real with them and with others, even when it’s uncomfortable. Let them see your flaws and imperfections. Your kids need to know you’re human. Perfection is an impossibly high standard that neither you nor they can ever live up to. There is great freedom in allowing yourself to be real. Give them that gift.

God Made the Real You for a Reason

Finally, remember that you were made in the image of God — and God doesn’t make mistakes. In Philippians 1:6, Paul wrote:

“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.”

In the meantime, our struggles and imperfections serve a purpose. They allow us to better empathize with others and demonstrate God’s grace and love.

None of us will achieve perfection here on Earth, and it doesn’t do anyone good to pretend we have. After all, perfection isn’t very relatable or approachable. The heaviest burdens people carry — post-partum depression, miscarriages, childhood trauma, grief, abusive relationships, cancer, chronic pain — are often accompanied by feelings of shame, guilt, and fear. They worry that no one will understand. They wonder if there’s something wrong with them. They agonize over whether it’s their own fault.

By cultivating the illusion that we ourselves have never struggled with anything greater than skipping a day of devotions, we send a message loud and clear: “Don’t come to me for help. I have already arrived. You could be like me, if only you tried harder. I don’t understand what you’re going through.” It’s like closing a door. Being real, on the other hand, is an invitation. As Brené Brown put it, “Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we’re all in this together.”

I can guarantee that if you choose to be real, you will be uncomfortable at times. Some people will judge you. Some people won’t understand. Some people will think less of you. They may gossip behind your back or say hurtful things to your face.

But for every woman who uses your vulnerability to make herself feel superior, there will be one who sees your realness as the precious gift that it is. Who hears your story and feels relief because she’s not the only one. Who feels hope because someone else has been where she is and come out the other side. Who realizes it’s ok to ask for help and finds a community of women to support her.

And that is worth the risk.

Changing How We Think About Adopted/Foster Kids

Often our society treats foster kids — and by extension adopted kids — as somehow less. Less important than adults. Less valuable than their peers. Less lovable because of their background, their biological family, or their behavior. Almost less than human. Different. Other. Less.

We would never say any of that out loud, of course. But some of the most insidious lies we believe are the ones we never put into words. Among them are some very harmful and mistaken beliefs we may subconsciously hold about kids from hard places.

Unfortunately, even subconscious beliefs will affect how we think about and treat others. In order to consistently live out pro-life values, we need to recognize the lies we believe about foster and adopted kids and replace them with the truth.

In order to consistently live out pro-life values, we need to recognize the lies we believe about foster and adopted kids and replace them with the truth.

Kids Are Valuable. Period.

As beings created in the image of God, all kids — including foster and adopted kids — have inherent and inalienable worth. I think all Christians would say they believe that. The problem is, we sometimes don’t act like it.

Instead, we act as if somehow a child’s worth can rise or fall based on what has been done to or for them. A child that we may have overlooked last week might suddenly seem more precious to us once we know they are a foster or adopted kid. Or we might act as though these kids are somehow second-class citizens because of their past or present situation.

It’s important to remember that adopted kids aren’t valuable *because* of what their adoptive families have done for them or even *despite* what they’ve been through. They’re just valuable. Period. No qualifiers.

Foster Kids Aren’t Broken.

I don’t think many people would look at a three-year-old foster child and say, “That kid is broken.” But that’s exactly what our actions often imply. Foster kids often behave differently than we would expect a “normal” child to behave. They act out, and it isn’t pleasant for their foster parents or for anyone else around them —  from teachers dealing with classroom disruptions to random strangers witnessing a grocery store meltdown.

It’s easy to look at these kids and see bad behavior in need of correction rather than a hurting child in need of love. But it’s important to remember that foster kids aren’t broken. They don’t need to be fixed. Like any child, they need to be loved. They need to be guided, disciplined, protected, and provided for. They need us to look past their behavior, see their hurt, and meet their needs.

Foster and Adopted Kids Are Not Their Past.

If you have watched any videos or read any articles about the long-term effects of childhood trauma, you understand that a child’s past — especially their earliest experiences — will leave a lasting impact. (If you haven’t, this TED talk is a good place to start.) We are all affected by what we’ve been through.

However, we must remember that while foster and adopted kids will certainly be affected by their past, they are not defined by it. Childhood trauma, foster care, and adoption will forever be part of their story — but it’s only one part. It’s not the beginning, the end, or even the climax. Just another chapter in a story still being written.

None of us would like to be forever known first and foremost for something that happened to us in the past. Neither do kids from hard places. We should interact with them in a trauma-informed way, but we should not equate them with their trauma, its effects, or their response to it. Beneath all the hurt is a real person with real feelings and a real future, and we need to treat them accordingly.

Adopted Kids Belong. So Do Foster Kids.

It would be almost unthinkable to look at a newly adopted child and say, “You don’t belong here.” But isn’t that the impression we give when we constantly tack on the word “adopted?” When we differentiate between adopted and biological children? When we ask which of a person’s children are their “real kids” or which of a child’s siblings are their “real” brothers and sisters?

Adopted kids belong, just as much as biological children. A family grows and stretches to accommodate those who become part of it — whether by birth or adoption. Adopted kids aren’t the last resort, a charity case, or a pet project. They are part of the family. They belong, fully and forever.

The same is true for foster kids. A foster family is a “real” family in every sense of the word, and foster kids belong. Although their physical presence within the family may be temporary, for as long as they are there, they belong. When they leave, the family grieves as they would the loss of a biological child. Their absence leaves a hole because they were — and still are, in a sense — part of the family.

Kids Are Just as Important as Adults.

Not only are foster and adopted kids just as important and valuable as other kids, but they are just as valuable and important as adults. When we treat kids as though they are important, we aren’t indulging them — we’re aligning ourselves with God’s view of children. Over and over again, Scripture emphasizes the value of children.

Both Matthew and Mark relate Jesus’ teaching that “Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to stumble, it would be better for him if a great millstone were hung around his neck and he were thrown into the sea.” When he caught his disciples rebuking children who wanted to be near Him, Jesus went on to say,

“Let the children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God.” (See Matthew 18:2-6; Matthew 18-10-14; Mark 9:36-37, 42; Mark 10:13-16.)

We need to treat children as though they are valuable and worth our time, love, and respect, even when we don’t understand them, because that’s how Jesus treated them. Their needs and feelings are just as important and valid as any adult’s. Little voices aren’t any less important, and their feelings aren’t any less real.

We all know foster and adopted kids are people, too. We know they matter. We know they’re precious in God’s sight and made in His image. We just need to act like it — starting with rooting out any subconscious beliefs that undermine their value.

Want to hear more about this topic?

Grab a cup of coffee and join us on this week’s podcast:

Episode 68


My name is Kristin Peters. I married my husband, Robert, in 2010, and we had our baby girl 5 years later, right after he graduated from law school. In fall of 2016, we became certified to foster and soon after received our first placement — an adorable little boy who is 2 years older than our daughter. He felt like part of the family from day one, but we were able to (finally!) make it official in February of this year. In addition to being a wife and mother, I work as a writer, an editor, and the content developer for SHIELD Task Force. You can follow us on Facebook (, or check out our website at​