Basics of Motherhood – You don’t need to fix your child.

This week on the podcast, Amerey and Kathleen finished up the Back to Basics Series with Basics of Motherhood.

Are you a mother?
Do you often feel isolated or alone?
Do you feel as if you need to “fix” your child so they are like everyone else?
Do you have doubts, struggles and wonder if other mothers have the same issues?
Then this is for you!

You don’t need to fix the child.

On the The Whole House Podcast  this week, Amerey and Kathleen talk about a lie that mothers often believe. What is that lie?
That your child needs fixed. From the time our child is an infant we encounter people who tell us:

The child isn’t sleeping – fix it.
The child needs to be rocked to sleep – fix it.
The child is not reading by the time they are 4 -fix it.

It’s a never ending list.
While there are guidelines and stepping stones of development, your child doesn’t need pushed through them. God made her the way she is. Your job as a parent is to meet her where she is, not to fix her.

Your child can’t be wrong in her makeup. She is born a certain way. You can’t say that a baby’s sleeping/eating/coping patterns are wrong. You don’t need to fix the child. Don’t stress yourself. Don’t say, “Her child is right and my child is wrong.”

If you just accept your child as she is then you will feel free. You will be free to parent the child the way she needs parenting.

Don't believe the lie that your child needs fixed

You have probably already found things that work for your child.

Don’t feel guilty for doing those things. Don’t look at other parents and measure yourself against their yardstick.  You’re not failing just because you aren’t parenting like another mother is. You are doing exactly what your child needs right now. That’s good parenting.

 You are doing a great job! Go YOU! Your job is to make them feel safe, secure, and cared for. If a child has a capital letter syndrome, then we make special accommodations for her (or we should).

Even if a kiddo doesn’t have a capital letter syndrome, we should parent her in the way she needs parenting. Cecilia is Amerey’s little one who has trouble sleeping. She doesn’t have a capital letter syndrome, but at age five, she uses a weighted blanket and needs melatonin to sleep.

Adults are picky. Why can’t kids be picky?

Our culture expects kids to conform to whatever we tell them to do. Kids are humans. Each child has a personality. They will have likes and dislikes just like adults. It’s okay. Don’t force your kiddo to like something because you think she should. It will backfire. Don’t try to shove a square peg in a round hole.

Eating Issues.

You want your child to feel comfortable at the table. So, if she doesn’t like what is always being served, don’t make it about the food. Make it about nutrition and relationship. Family dinners should be about connection.

Do unto other’s as you would like to be done unto you.

Listen to your kiddo when she is expressing a need, fear, like or dislike. That’s what adults want. Kids want the same thing. Think of your child as a person.

Motherhood is steeped in whatever is going on in the current culture.

When you’re born, whatever your culture is doing, we naturally do it. That is dangerous.

We have a family culture. A church culture. A culture.

Ask yourself these questions:

Why are we parenting this way?

What is my purpose as a mother?

What are my morals and values? What are my morals?

Am I living out those values.

Pause. Examine yourself. We should be laying up our treasures in heaven. Do we want to not invest in our children so when they grow up they are floundering. They are asking – is this the right religion? Is this the right religion?

Find a Group of Moms who support you.

You can feel isolated. You can feel like a lone wolf.  Then you isolate and the then hyper focus especially if you are a perfectionist.

Moms tend not to talk about the things they really struggle with. They tell poop stories and other things, but are often afraid to tell the truth about the struggles they are going through.

 You need to reach out to other Moms and find some who are going through similar situations.

Walk away from groups/friends that don’t encourage, equip and educate you! Friends who support your on your journey and don’t judge your child or want you to fix her are the kind to keep around.

Keep in mind your mission is to raise up a well-balanced child. Your mission is NOT to create a carbon copy of everyone else. Parenting a child as if she is “right” not “wrong” will help her navigate life with confidence. The end goal is heaven and a “Well done good and faithful servant” from God, not an “Atta boy” from the world.

Want the rest of the story? Listen to the podcast!

 

 

 

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Nurturing Your Children When it Doesn’t Come Naturally

We recorded this episode after one of our live coffee days!

Episode 5 (1)

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Myth- You will always be pleasant and sweet and feel that way!

Carly- Sometimes we don’t want to take care of someone before ourselves.

We don’t realize how selfish we are until we have kids.

Kathleen- We have an ideal of serving others as long it is the parameters we set. Example -serving a few hours out an outreach.

If you want learn how to be unselfish, have children.

Amerey-Media- Mom is dressed and ready when kids wake up. Make up one.

Three year old wakes up before everyone. It’s hard to get up and be purposeful. I want to be the selfish mom.

Carly- Hubby has fallen into the trap of turning TV on. It takes some retraining.

Kathleen-Myth- People assume that if you stay at home, your home is organized. You are joyful. You have makeup on.

The idea that we don’t get frustrated in our jobs is a myth.

Other women who have careers get frustrated in their jobs.

Carly- Why do we think we shouldn’t get frustrated in our jobs?

Amerey- We think we shouldn’t get frustrated in the home with our kids. Or out in public. We begin to think there is something wrong with our kids

Carly- We share the best parts of our day on social media. So, we compare our normal day with the best parts of someone else’s day.

Kathleen- Five  minutes of everything going right. The kids are behaving. We have a cup of coffee and we take a photo. We post it.

Amerey- While we are posting it, the kids have a break down

Carly- Here’s the thing. I only follow people who take the good picture and post the bad picture too.

Amerey- I followed DIY people and thought I had to clean my house and have it perfect first.

Carly- How do you help yourself be the best person you can be?

I didn’t take time for myself for a year and a half. Take time for yourself.

Watercolors. Sand some wood.

Amerey- The thing to remember – this doesn’t mean time to zone. This means body and soul refreshing. Don’t just zone and forget about things.

You need to come back filling like a better person. Refresh your mind.

Read a book that speaks to you.  Paint. Knit. Focus on yourself mentally.

Carly- Sometimes the best thing is to let the dishes go.

Kathleen- She is right. Refurbishing something is de-stressing for me. The Bible speaks of renewing our minds. When act like our creative self, like God designed us to be, we are renewing our minds.

The Liturgy of the Ordinary

Find Christ in the ritualistic things you do every day.

A Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp

Intentionally look for God in folding laundry

Kathleen- God takes the mundane and turns it into something glorious

We have to be intentional. We can become lazy spiritually just as much as we do physically. We must be intentional about looking for Christ.

Amerey- Something else you can do- after you have set aside time for yourself. Set aside time to spend time with your child.  We forget our child needs time with us. Sit on the floor and read every book they bring to you.

Kathleen- God usually requires us to do the opposite of what we want. After a move to a new town, I experienced circumstantial depression.

Hug each child every day. Do something fun with each child every day.

Amerey-We became close that year. Family game nights every night. If you don’t have a year like that, you need to set aside time when your focus is on your child.

Carly- Would you like to look back twenty years later and try to find good moments or would you rather count them along the way.

Kathleen- The lesson from the hard year- God is going to require you to intentionally nurture your children, even in your deepest, darkest, hour.

Carly- God calls us to holy work.

Closing Remarks

Amerey-

To Nurture your child you must Nurture yourself.

Set aside time to nurture your child. Intentionally.